Dear....

Dear Family and Friends,

As we prepare for Madelyn's arrival, we have learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our daughter. In her short life, she will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes will be for her. While she may not consciously remember the events, she will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. She's already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of China. Her world will turn upside down. She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and she may initially lack the trust that we will meet her needs.

We have prepared to meet Madelyn's emotional needs so that she does learn that we will always take care of her and we will always keep her safe. We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment, it may be necessary for her to regress some so that she has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite her chronological age. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently, to help her work through any attachment related difficulties. Until she has learned that we are her parents, we will need to be her primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always be the ones that hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow her lead and trust our instincts as her parents rather than worry about what society expects, or what is perceived as typical behavior.

Due to the possibility of attachment problems, we may initially need to handle Madelyn's needs immediately, before we take care of Nathaniel or Andrew. If all 3 of them are crying, it will probably be Madelyn that gets picked up or fed or changed first. From the outside, it will appear to be favoritism, but with her background, it will be necessary for us to do that to help her learn to bond with us, and realize that we are there for her as her forever family, not just another set of temporary caregivers. Of course, this does not mean that we will be neglecting Nathaniel, Andrew or Logan, just that we may have to wait a little bit before we can get to their needs. In our house, all three of them are used to that from time to time. Even if something looks unusual to you, we ask that you just trust us and go with it, because Madelyn is coming from a different situation, and it may be necessary to handle things a little bit differently for her to work through and avoid possible attachment problems.

We have all been waiting anxiously for her to arrive but she has not been waiting for us. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help her through it and prove that we are a forever family and this truly is her last stop. We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for her, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding.

Many of you will want to see Madelyn when she arrives. We will be home all day Saturday, March 10th and will be having a belated birthday cake and ice cream for Nate and Andrew around 1:00pm. (We will be in China on their first Birthday, March 3rd.) Just come if you want anytime and play with the little ones and of course we'll be bragging about our trip to China.

The Following Is a list we copied from a website that deals with Attachment Issues for Adopted Children:
Dos & Don'ts for Family & Friends

Do:
Trust the parent's instincts. A parent may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to "normal" behavior.
Accept that attachment issues can be difficult for people other than the parents to see and understand.
Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.
Allow the parents to be the center of the baby's world.
Tell the baby every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy he has.
As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not "attached" can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents' requests.
Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!
Don't:
Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.
Underestimate a new mother's instincts that something isn't right.
Judge the mother's parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
Make excuses for the child's behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors "normal". For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment -impaired child may signify problems.
Accuse the parents of being overly sensitive or neurotic. They are in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.
Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment . You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child's experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.
Put your own timeframes on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn't understand...after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.
Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.
Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of "putting on a good face" in public.
Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.

Thanks
Melissa and Tony Hooker