One Year Ago

My time to blog has deminished lately since having the twins, but I wanted to write a quick entry while they are fed and are taking a short nap.

One year ago tomorrow started a series of days I would never want to repeat again. It's days I would never want to see anyone go through. March 31st last year goes down as a day I'll never forget but it wasn't the worst of all the upcoming days shortly after.

Around 4 pm 3/31/05 I sat in the OB waiting room with Tony, Logan and his babysitter (or who he called his girlfriend at the time). We were waiting our turn to find out the sex of the baby I was carrying and to hear the good words "everything looks great." We took Logan so he could see for himself if he was having a baby sister or baby brother and took "A" with us to help watch him. We never expected to hear that something was wrong and at that point we didn't know what. We left in tears not knowing anything except our baby had stopped growing and had little fluid. We were filled with ideas of birth defects and other problems.

I'm not going to share the entire horrible next few days. I've shared on the blog how our daughter Reagan died. This anniversary is coming up this next week. She was born and died April 6, 2005. I plan on making a trip sometime in the next week to visit her gravesite with all the boys and placing new flowers on her grave.

Reagan changed our lives forever. I would love to have her here, but at the same time she has been our angel and has brought us a new life we would never have had. Before conceiving her we had considered adoption and had all the different agencies paperwork we had researched. I'm not sure if we would ever have continued with the adoption if she had survived. AND I know we would never have Nate and Andrew here with us now if she had survived. If someone had told me last year at this time I would have three children in 2006, I would have laughed in their faces.

Many people say there's a reason for everything and most of the time I have a hard time believing this b/c I want to know what that reason is. Did God have other plans for us by taking Reagan early? Did he know we would try to bring home a child that needed a home from another country? To humor us, does he know we can handle twins plus another child along with Logan?

When I said the boys were taking a short nap, well, it was really short. It was only the length of time I was able to write this entry.