A Secret I've Kept

It's time to come out with it. I've been keeping a secret. I haven't mentioned it because I know there are going to be comments made that I don't want to hear. There are going to be questions asked that I don't want to answer. And the biggest question of all that really disturbs me is "Are you still going to adopt?"

I'm PREGNANT 10weeks 3days as of today.

Some questions I've already been asked I'll post.

Are we excited? YES, Of course!
Was this planned? Oh, don't even ask me this one. I hate this question. It's no one's business whether or not a child I'm carrying is "planned."
How did this happen? Duh, dumb question
Did you take fertility drugs? (This one will be asked b/c many know my history)Again, this one is no one's business

Are we still going to adopt? This is the biggest question everyone is going to ask. Of course. I'm attached to this baby from China just like the days I found out I was pregnant with Logan and with the babies I've lost. Stopping the adoption to me would be like having another miscarriage. We've put lots of time and effort into all the paperwork and reading up on Chinese children that there's no way I can just call it quits. The only thing that could keep us from bringing Madelyn home would be if China refused to give her to us and so far they have no reason to do this.

Two days ago I finally got up the nerve to tell Harrah's. I've worried, panicked, shed tears all over the fact I was afraid they would tell me we couldn't adopt now. I felt it would be easier to write an email b/c that way I could at least review my words to them and not leave anything out. Here's what I sent....

Recently I inquired about having a change of address, moving within NC. I have sent my temporary address to you and will send our new address as soon as I know the street number. It is a new development and only has road names at this time. I will get an updated homestudy once our home is completed. We expect this to be in either February or early March. We were DTC 8/26 so March is what I'm estimating referrel at the earliest would occur so we should have it completed before traveling to China.

We have now encountered another hurdle in our adoption process. I am now expecting and due in March. This was a surprise to us and by no means do we want to give up our adoption for our daughter in China. I have hesitated about saying anything b/c of my history with pregnancies but since we did sign during the application process we would notify Harrah's if this was to occur I wanted to let you know now. I have lost 2 pregnancies, one at 8 weeks and another at 19 weeks. I have been told by doctors I have a higher chance at pregnancy loss so it's no gaurantee that we will be adding to our family this way. However, if we do have a successful pregnancy, we will be so excited to have our baby from China as well.

We do not want to postpone the adoption nor give it up. If China will allow us to adopt one of their babies with another baby in our home we would still love to add to our family this way. My husband will probably travel to China alone, and since China only requires one parent to travel I would think this would be okay.

I have spoken to a few other parents that this has happened to and have been told we would need to update our financial statement and homestudy which we already have to do with the move we are making. If there is anything else, please let me know.

I really hope this does not cause a problem with our adoption. We really have our hearts set on adopting from China and can't wait to meet our newest family member.

Melissa and Tony Hooker

I waited all day for a response and never heard back so I sent it again to one other contact at Harrah's. I finally got a response (a few sentences were taken out b/c it was personal information)

Congratulations on your pregnancy. No need to worry, this doesn't affect your ability to continue with your adoption. I pray that youwill have a healthy pregnancy and that you will be able to experiencepeace of mind throughout. I hope you are able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy withoutworry. When you are closer to referral time, please contact us so we can discuss your plans and needs at that time. Some families who become pregnant during the wait, opt to put their referral on hold for a couple of months to give momma a time to heal and recover before bringing the second baby home. That will be completely up to you.Again, just contact us closer to referral time and we can discuss what you want to do at that time. Again, congratulations!Erin, HFS

I feel so much better now just finally coming clean with this. We signed an agreement during the application process that said we would notify them of any changes such as pregnancy, divorce, separation, etc so we HAD to tell them. We have to have an updated homestudy when we move and I think it would be noticeable to a social worker that I'm either pregnant or we have two nurseries. We couldn't keep it a secret.

I actually already knew the answer but I guess it just didn't sink in that everything would be okay until I saw these words myself. I had a friend do a little investigating for me. She called Harrah's twice and spoke to two different people asking some questions including what happens when a pregnancy occurs during the paperchase or after DTC. One person said "Pregnancy is no guarantee of a baby." Don't I know that!!!! Been there, TWICE. Another one mentioned that we would need to show proof we could financially afford more children in China's terms which is a salary of $10,000 per member in the household and would need an updated homestudy which we already have to do anyway for the new house.

This changes a lot of things. Unfortunately I may deliver before moving into our new house but we'll make do. Tony will probably be traveling to China by himself. China only requires that one parent travel anyway. We offerred to pay an ex-coworker of his her airfare if she could travel with him and help out. She adopted two daughters from China herself and wants to take her oldest back to visit so it would be a perfect opportunity for them to go back and Tony would have some help.

As for this pregnancy, so far everything is good. My last visit I was told by my OB (the one that delivered Reagan) that I'm not out of the loop yet. He said if we make it to 12 weeks, we'll discuss genetic testing. Since Reagan died from chromosome abnormality, my chances are slightly higher of this occurring again. I have one more visit with my current OB office. I get to see the dr that delivered Logan. I've already made an appt with a new OB for a consultation the first week we officially move away from this area. I made it as a consultation so I could learn more about the office and also get an idea of what these new doctors feel about my situation and also I need to get referred to fetal medicine doctors shortly after that for genetic testing.

As for how I am doing mentally, thank goodness I have the move to focus on right now. I'm not constantly thinking about making it to the end of the pregnancy and coming home with a healthy child. It's not been that long ago that I was burying Reagan. I miss her everyday.

Logan is going to be a really big brother to more than one baby now. We tell him stories about all the babies coming home trying to get him prepared that he will not be an only child anymore. I also don't want to hear "Logan is going to be jealous." Well, what child isn't jealous of their new brother or sister at first. There's going to be brother/sister, love/hate relationship in every house with more than one child. We will deal with it when that time comes.

As for now, we're just taking it one day at a time. Next year our new home will be full of dirty laundry everywhere, toys scattered, stink of dirty diapers, food found in places you never thought of finding it, bottles and sippy cups with old milk hidden under furniture, etc but it will also be full of LOVE.